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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29838750">and for a moment I forget (just how dark and cold it gets)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/beepbedeep/pseuds/beepbedeep'>beepbedeep</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Dare Me (TV 2019)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>AM SO SAD, F/F, Fix-It, feelings feelings feelings, just finished this show, kind of!!!, lots of trying, love and trying, so many feelings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 22:02:26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,020</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29838750</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/beepbedeep/pseuds/beepbedeep</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>in which Beth doesn't know how to love, not really, but loves Addy more than anything.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Beth Cassidy/Addy Hanlon</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>18</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>and for a moment I forget (just how dark and cold it gets)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hi hi! I just finished this show and my HEART!!!! so much ick and so much good!!!!! I want addy and beth to be happy!!!!!! that's it that's the hot take.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It’s then, on the field, in the wake of everything that’s happened, their little world shook up over and over again and the one person Beth <i>always</i> thought she’d have walking away as fast as humanly possible, that she realizes. <i>Oh. Addy really doesn’t know.</i> And like, how could it not be obvious? Beth wants to cry, she would cry if she wasn’t on the field in front of literally everyone in their tiny town. But she can’t. Instead, Addy’s words ring in her ears.</p><p>
  <i>She does whatever she wants and she takes and she takes. </i>
</p><p>
  <i>Beth. That’s you.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Is that what you really think?</i>
</p><p>And then Addy walks away. Her words swirl through Beth’s head on repeat, <i>that’syouthat’syouthat’syou</i>. And Beth wants to scream, wants to run after her <i>best friend</i> and get her to understand. She wants to grab Abby by the shoulders and make them really look at each other until things are <i>ok again</i>.</p><p>How doesn’t Addy see it? What has Beth done wrong here, to make her <i>person</i> feel so trapped. Beth just thought that like, yeah, they fight. And it sucks, but it’s fine because they’ll always come back to each other. They’re a <i>package</i>, they’re a team, and just. <i>Fuck.</i> </p><p>The thing is that Beth’s never been loved, not really. Not by anyone except Addy. And <i>yeah</i>, maybe that means she comes on a little strong, maybe she’s not great at giving her friends space, but Beth’s never been given anything <i>but</i> space. Her mom is never really there. Her dad is always across the street. Beth lives in a giant empty house that’s been fucking haunted since her dad left and <i>nothing</i> gets close to her. Nothing except Addy. Beth doesn’t know much about love but she <i>does</i> know that love means staying. Means being there. No matter what. </p><p>And Addy’s the only person she’s ever really had to love. So sue her. Sue her for being too present, for making Addy feel too cared for. (And this is all false bravado, <i>all of it</i>, because Beth <i>doesn’t make Addy happy</i> and it feels like a knife’s plunging right into her chest, like she’s ripping apart at the seams. All she wants is to love Addy, for them to have each other, them against the world. She didn’t mean for it to get so bad. She didn’t mean to ruin it the way she ruins everything else. Addy is the one good thing in her life, <i>has</i> been the one good thing since forever. Beth didn’t mean to break it.)</p><p>She should have seen this coming, should have noticed how Addy was chafing against how things have always been, should have tried to make everything different. Beth is supposed to know Addy, supposed to make her happy. That’s what they <i>do</i>. They make everything suck a little less. But Beth failed and Addy might be completely gone and <i>why does it feel like someone just ripped her heart out</i>. (Her heart is Addy. It’s as simple as that.) Beth knows things are different, knows their lives are different than they were two or three or seven years ago. If she thinks about it hard enough she can even feel the <i>pinch</i>, feel where something is just a little too tight, a little bit off. It’s not that she didn’t expect changes. She just thought they would figure them out <i>together</i>. She didn’t count on someone coming in and blowing Addy’s world wide open. </p><p>(If you love someone you don’t toss them to the wolves. You don’t send them into the unknown. You keep them safe, you keep them close, you try everything first so they know what to expect, <i>that’s what Beth has always thought love is</i>.)</p><p>Addy has always been happier than Beth, so happy she never needed to drape herself in bravado and command. And happy, well-adjusted Addy hadn’t felt right. Beth is too scared, too full of hunger and <i>wanting</i>, too much searching for security in all the wrong places. Beth is never scared around Addy. Beth believes her, Beth trusts Addy with her life. She would have changed anything. Everything. If she’d just <i>realized</i> how Addy felt, if Addy had said something instead of running away. There’s nothing Beth Cassidy wouldn’t do for Addy Hanlon. She just thought they both knew that. </p><p>But hey. Maybe, magically, this will <i>all work out</i>. Beth feels their connection, feels it so strongly she can almost wrap her hands around it, almost pull Addy back to her. They aren’t so fragile. Or maybe they are. Addy walked away. Beth tries so <i>hard, always</i>. But unlike cheer, there’s no one to tell her how to do this. No one to demonstrate how to love someone the right way, no one to say <i>pull back, Cassidy. You’re hurting her. That’s too much. Try again. Let me show you. </i></p><p>Beth never meant to hurt her.</p><p>(they figure it out, eventually. Everything goes to hell, like, even more than it already has. And then they’re in the aftermath. Metaphorically left for dead. But they’re both still here, so they rebuild. It’s slow at first, awkward and halting and <i>who are you actually, who are you now? What did I miss for all those years?</i> But the thing is, they work. Whatever thing they’ve always had, whatever spark, whatever you will care about her. Removed from jealousy and pain it's still <i>nice</i>. Really nice. <i>Like your heart is shared between your two bodies</i>. It isn’t gone. Beth still makes Addy laugh harder than anyone else on the planet. Beth still relaxes into Addy’s arms the way she only can around Addy. They grow up, and eventually it hurts a little less. Beth backs off, learns to let Addy go, learns about all the different ways to love someone. And Addy always comes back. It’s healthier, softer, a little more love and a little less knives and teeth and panic. Maybe love actually <i>isn’t</i> pain. Maybe it won’t kill you. Maybe some things are worth salvaging. Even if getting here kind of sucked, the ending is <i>absolutely</i> worth it.)</p>
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